Once again I am questioning my role as housewife and whether I’m any good at it. Sure our house is clean enough (very tidy according to M and visitors, lacking in areas according to me) and I manage a dinner most weeknights. But I feel….well I was feeling a bit guilty about not working as hard as some SAHW. I feel guilty, often, for not using my college degree in a substantial way. Occasionally, I feel like I”m mooching off my husband. What am I really contributing anyways? He’d eat out maybe a bit more if I weren’t cooking. The vacuuming might only get done once every six months instead of twice a month. The kitchen would still be fine – cleaner perhaps because he washes his dishes right away whereas I procrastinate doing mine.
Anyways, I was feeling blue then I made a terrible mistake. I went to the internet for support. Ha! Every article in defense of housewives details their endless routines of cooking and cleaning. 95% of them talk about caring for kids. Very few mention those without kids. When we’re mentioned, it’s always in slightly negative tones. Why aren’t we contributing to society? What really is the point of it all? Your husband doesn’t say he hates it but he’d much rather you were earning. In short, the internet made me feel twenty times worse about being a stay-at-home-wife-no-kids. It isn’t helping my guilty conscious.
What’s more, I really don’t think it bothers M. We talk about it frequently and he seems okay with the whole situation. I ask what I can do to enhance his life and it’s just “keep doing what you’re doing” or even “play more Stardew” (yes, he’s said that before). Occasionally he’ll ask for a particular meal (fajitas) which is a really easy request. But I start feeling guilty and feel like a moocher sometimes which is ridiculous. I quit my job over a year ago and still have money from that 6-month stint even though I use my account to pay for most of the groceries. I don’t usually ask for expensive things or go shopping very often. I’m careful with all of my purchases. I don’t pay rent or electricity though.
My biggest struggle keeps coming back to not using my degree. Too late in school I discovered it’s uselessness for anything I’m interested in. To use a degree, I’d need to go back to school. I like staying home. I like cooking dinner. I don’t mind folding laundry. I enjoy my little walks and grubbing in my garden. Am I lazy? Very much yes. Do I contribute to the bad names of housewives? Well, I’m certainly not giving them a great name (my apologies SAHW). I want to be better but I also like who I am.
Eh, this was just a little post to lessen my guilt. I think I’ll go for a walk and start dinner now.